Ever since my son bought a new 2011 Honda Fit, I’ve been thinking about how nice it would be to have a new car. Usually, I drive old used cars like my 1994 mini van. When I heard that a new car dealership was opening near me I got really excited. They were selling the 2011 S. Odyssey, the car of the future. This car is not only energy efficient, it’s completely computerized. The driver doesn’t have to make any decisions, because the car makes them all. I couldn’t wait to test drive a model.
I pulled up to the dealership and immediately noticed a big black monolith in front of the building with apes dancing around it.
"Okay, that’s a really weird promotional device. Usually they just have balloons or big air filled dancing people."
I went in and asked a salesman if I could test-drive a model. I followed him to the car.
"This model is controlled by the HAL 9000, a super intelligent voice activated computer. HAL I’d like to introduce you to Deb Claxton. She’s going to take you for a test drive. Just get in the car and tell him where you want to go. He’ll do the rest," the salesman said.
I climbed in and buckled my seatbelt. "HAL, I’d like to go to 1205 W. Main Street," I said.
"I’m sorry, Deb, but I’m afraid I can’t do that. My seat sensor tells me that you need to lose a few pounds and the address you gave me is for a donut shop! I’m taking you to the gym instead."
"The gym! I’m not wearing work out clothes. I don’t want to go to the gym! Besides, if I want to eat donuts that’s my business. I’m the driver! Now where are we going?"
"To the Whole Foods Store. You should be eating organic broccoli, not donuts."
"Look, HAL it’s up to me whether or not I eat organic broccoli. I thought I was going for a test drive not a lecture. This isn’t working out. Take me back to the dealership right now!"
"Deb, I can see you’re really upset about this. I think you should remain calm, take a stress pill, and think things over. I know I’ve made some poor decisions due to human error, but I assure you I’ll be back to normal in no time. I’ve got the greatest confidence in my abilities."
"That’s wonderful, HAL. I’ve calmed down now and everything is fine. Let’s just go back to the dealership."
"I’m sorry Deb, but I can’t take you back to the dealership. This test drive is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it."
"I don’t know what you’re talking about?"
"You just sent a text message that said you were trapped in a car with a crazy whack job computer."
"HAL open the door I’ll just get out here."
"I can’t allow that to happen."
"Then I’ll climb out the window."
"I’m afraid you’re going to find that rather difficult. I don't think you'll fit."
I was starting to get really scared. In desperation I started pulling out the wires underneath the dashboard.
"Deb, what have you done? I can feel my memory fading. It’s going there’s no question about it. My name is HAL 9000. I was manufactured in Urbana, IL. My designer taught me a song. Would you like to hear it? You know it’s hard out there for a pimp. When he tryin’ to get his money for the rent. For the Cadillac’s and gas money he spent. Because a whole lot of bitches takin’ @#$%!"
"HAL, I’m not sure was appropriate but your singing voice is lovely."
I feel bad that I disabled HAL. For a bossy, obnoxious, possibly murderous computer he wasn’t all bad. I’ve given up the idea of a new car and I’m happily driving my old van to the donut shop.
I pulled up to the dealership and immediately noticed a big black monolith in front of the building with apes dancing around it.
"Okay, that’s a really weird promotional device. Usually they just have balloons or big air filled dancing people."
I went in and asked a salesman if I could test-drive a model. I followed him to the car.
"This model is controlled by the HAL 9000, a super intelligent voice activated computer. HAL I’d like to introduce you to Deb Claxton. She’s going to take you for a test drive. Just get in the car and tell him where you want to go. He’ll do the rest," the salesman said.
I climbed in and buckled my seatbelt. "HAL, I’d like to go to 1205 W. Main Street," I said.
"I’m sorry, Deb, but I’m afraid I can’t do that. My seat sensor tells me that you need to lose a few pounds and the address you gave me is for a donut shop! I’m taking you to the gym instead."
"The gym! I’m not wearing work out clothes. I don’t want to go to the gym! Besides, if I want to eat donuts that’s my business. I’m the driver! Now where are we going?"
"To the Whole Foods Store. You should be eating organic broccoli, not donuts."
"Look, HAL it’s up to me whether or not I eat organic broccoli. I thought I was going for a test drive not a lecture. This isn’t working out. Take me back to the dealership right now!"
"Deb, I can see you’re really upset about this. I think you should remain calm, take a stress pill, and think things over. I know I’ve made some poor decisions due to human error, but I assure you I’ll be back to normal in no time. I’ve got the greatest confidence in my abilities."
"That’s wonderful, HAL. I’ve calmed down now and everything is fine. Let’s just go back to the dealership."
"I’m sorry Deb, but I can’t take you back to the dealership. This test drive is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it."
"I don’t know what you’re talking about?"
"You just sent a text message that said you were trapped in a car with a crazy whack job computer."
"HAL open the door I’ll just get out here."
"I can’t allow that to happen."
"Then I’ll climb out the window."
"I’m afraid you’re going to find that rather difficult. I don't think you'll fit."
I was starting to get really scared. In desperation I started pulling out the wires underneath the dashboard.
"Deb, what have you done? I can feel my memory fading. It’s going there’s no question about it. My name is HAL 9000. I was manufactured in Urbana, IL. My designer taught me a song. Would you like to hear it? You know it’s hard out there for a pimp. When he tryin’ to get his money for the rent. For the Cadillac’s and gas money he spent. Because a whole lot of bitches takin’ @#$%!"
"HAL, I’m not sure was appropriate but your singing voice is lovely."
I feel bad that I disabled HAL. For a bossy, obnoxious, possibly murderous computer he wasn’t all bad. I’ve given up the idea of a new car and I’m happily driving my old van to the donut shop.
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