Now that ABC has cancelled two of their popular, long running soap operas, "All My Children," and "One Life To Live," fans are wondering what to do with their free time. I would like to suggest that they tune into my new online soap opera, "The Young and the Clueless."
We now join Angora at her home in Plainfield where she is talking to her best friend, Sapphire.
"Angora, I can tell you’re upset. What’s bothering you?"
"I just found out that Urethra Hollingsdale isn’t my real mother."
"What! I’m shocked. How did you find out?"
"I was looking through her files and I found my adoption papers."
"Do you know who your real mother is?"
"Yes, she was someone named Sue Jensen. She was run out of town for not looking like a supermodel."
"That’s horrible."
"I know I can’t believe they ran her out of town!"
"No. I mean it’s horrible that she wasn’t good looking. How ugly was she?"
"She wasn’t ugly! She was just average looking! What kind of a town is this? Why does everyone have to be good looking?"
"And why does everyone have a weird name? I hate the name Sapphire. I want to change my name to Sherry!"
"Do you know what else is strange? Yesterday my son, Falcon, was six years old. Today when he woke up, he was 16 and he had his own story line!"
"They grow up so fast, especially here in Plainfield."
"I feel like packing my suitcase and leaving. I’ll go search for my real mother."
"But how will you support yourself? Do you have any skills?"
"No, my only skills are stealing other women’s husbands, and plotting against people behind their backs. Can you get paid for that?"
"I know you could get your own reality TV show. You’ll be famous!"
"I’m going to pack right now. I’ll call you when I get to Hollywood!"
Will Angora make it to Hollywood? Will she ever find her real mother? Will Sapphire change her name? Stay tuned to "The Young And The Clueless" to find out!
(No one was brave enough to take the Underwear Challenge Throwdown, so I’m moving on)
Last night while I was home alone, I watched the original Fright Night movie on TV, starring Chris Sarandon and Roddy McDowell. The movie is about a teenager who discovers that the guy living next door is a vampire. I’m not talking about a sexy brooding Edward type vampire. This vampire was scary and creepy. The teen tried to warn the people in his town, but no one would believe him. Meanwhile, the vampire wanted to kill him. The movie was kind of cheesy, and it was inaccurate. For instance, once a vampire bites you in the neck, and turns you into a vampire, I’m pretty sure you can’t turn back into a normal person again, but then again, I’m no vampirologist. There were some scary parts in the movie!
After the movie I started thinking about what I would do if a vampire lived in my neighborhood. Then I thought about the guy down the street. He always wears black T-shirts, has long scraggly hair, I only see him at nigh,t and there’s always people coming and going from his house. Maybe he’s a vampire and all the people are his minions. Or else they’re just people who like to party. Well there was only one thing to do. Check it out for myself!
The next day I went to his house armed with my vampire detecting paraphernalia. Since it was sunny out, I figured he wouldn’t come to the door. When he opened the door I almost screamed.
"Oh, you startled me I thought you’d be sleeping in your coff—I mean comfy bed!"
"Why would I be sleeping in the afternoon?"
"I heard you like to take a siesta everyday."
He was standing in the shadows. "Could you step out here in the sunlight. I have something I’d like to show you." I pulled out a crucifix. "Isn’t this lovely. Here you take it and examine the craftsmanship." I handed him the cross. He looked it over and gave it back.
"I’m not interested in buying a crucifix."
"I see. Would you be interested in buying a bottle of Holy Water from the Vatican. Ooops! How clumsy of me. I didn’t mean to spill water on you. The water stain’s aren't that bad. Here’s a mirror so you can see for yourself!" I held up the mirror.
"I’m not interested in Holy Water and I’m not buying the Watch Tower. I have to go now!" he said slamming the door.
Well I guess I had all the proof I needed. He didn’t turn to dust in the sunlight. He wasn’t afraid of the crucifix, and the Holy Water didn’t burn his skin. Also I could see his reflection in the mirror which I found really puzzling. If he can see his reflection why does he walk around looking like that?
On the way back to my house I thought, "Wow I was really way off base. That guy’s not a vampire, he’s just a creepy human being."
As I was walking I noticed another neighbor mowing the lawn with his shirt off. His back was hairy, really hairy. Maybe there’s a werewolf living in my neighborhood. I wonder where I can buy silver bullets?
I was checking out some blogs on the internet when I came across the Underwear Challenge (to read some funny answers go to Telega Tales and Tart Cookies at www.telegatales.com). I don’t know who started it, but apparently someone came up with the following questions and sent them to their friends and fellow bloggers who then challenged more people. It sounds like fun, so I’m going to answer the questions and than challenge my Facebook Friends to come up with their own answers. Here it goes:
What do you call your underwear?
I call them either Spanx or rags with an elastic waist.
Have you ever had that supposedly common dream of being in a crowded place in only your underwear?
Yes, I was in my underwear, I was late for school, I could fly, and bad guys were chasing me. I like to combine all common nightmares into one a tip I learned from reading "The Seven Sleeping Habits of Highly Effective People."
What’s the worst thing you can think of to make underwear out of?
Barbed wire.
If you were a pair of panties what color would you be?
Red, my favorite color.
Have you ever thrown your underwear at a rock star or other celebrity? If so which ones? If not who would you like to throw them at given the chance?
No, I’ve never felt the need to throw my underwear at anyone but if I had to choose someone I’d pick Tom Jones. Since we’re both older now, I’d probably dislocate my arm trying to throw the underwear on stage and his back would probably go out trying to pick them up.
You’re completely out of underwear. What would you do?
I'd make some out of paper towels and tape. There’s no way I’m going commando.
Are you old enough to remember Underroos? If so did you have any? Which ones?
I never had Underroos. Back when I was a kid we wore loin clothes made out of sabre-tooth tiger fur.
If you could have any message printed on your underwear, what would it be?
No Trespassing!
How many people does it take to put panties on a goat?
Hopefully it’s one of those fainting goats. Then I would guess two people. One to scare the goat and make it faint, and the other to help get the panties on before it wakes up.
The popularity of the "Diary Of A Wimpy Kid" series has spawned a slew of books about social misfits including: The Nerd Notebook, The Dweeb Diary, The A-Hole Anthology, The Jerk Journal, The Doofuss Directive, The Egghead Almanac, The Geek Gazette, The Bonehead Blotter, The Punk Portfolio, The Buffoon Binder, The Nitwit News, The Cooty Chronology, and more.
I wish books like these were available back I was a kid. It would have helped my self-esteem and possibly made me feel better about being a nerd. The only role model I had was Annette Funicello on the Mickey Mouse Club. Which made me feel worse about myself since she was a 12 year-old girl wearing a size D cup-training bra and I wasn’t well endowed.
I was a tall, skinny, shy kid. My whole family was shy. When the doorbell rang unexpectedly, we ran and hid, including my parents.
Even though I was shy, I would at least answer people if they talked directly to me. My brother was so shy; he’d completely ignore people that tried to talk to him. People thought he was a deaf/mute. I always had to defend him; "He’s just shy. He doesn’t like to talk."
I spent most of elementary school trying to blend into the background while repeating my mantra in class, "Please don’t call on me!" Even though I usually knew the right answer, I didn’t want to be singled out in front of the whole class. Luckily, I got to sit in the very back of the room, where I could slouch down and hope that the teacher would forget about me.
I became more outgoing in high school and college. I wasn’t afraid to talk in class until I was required to take Intro To Law. This was in 1973 when the movie "The Paper Chase" was a hit. It starred Timothy Bottoms as a Harvard Law Student and John Houseman as his intimidating, sarcastic professor. Apparently my college law professor saw the movie and took Houseman’s performance to heart since he acted just like him.
I hated that class and really dreaded going. No matter how much I studied as soon as the professor said, "Miss Claxton, please recite the facts in the Bensonhurst vs. Treemont Case" my mind would go blank and I’d start babbling. Then the professor would humiliate me by making some sarcastic remark like, "Perhaps someone who knows how to speak coherently can explain this case?" It was elementary school all over again. Everyday I sat there praying, "Please don’t call on me!"
I guess once a nerd, always a nerd. Excuse me, my glasses broke and I have to tape them back together.
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