It’s been a year since I was traumatized by what I refer to as the "Arnold Schwarzenegger Incident." Just when I thought that I’d put the whole ugly episode behind me, the media frenzy started surrounding Arnold and his maid and it brought back the memory. Every time I think about it I feel sick all over again. I can’t believe I was so trusting.
It all started last summer at my doctor’s office. I was sitting in the waiting room killing time by flipping through People Magazine. I innocently thought that no harm could come to me by looking at pictures of celebrities.
WRONG! I flipped the page and was completely blindsided by a huge, color photo of Arnold on the beach wearing nothing but a Speedo! He’s 64 years old! Who wants to see that? I almost upchucked my lunch! Now that disgusting image is burned into my mind.
Obviously, Arnold thinks he’s God’s gift to women. If he’s the gift, then I want a refund!
Some how I’ll have to get past this. I’m trying to lose weight; maybe I can use this to my advantage. Whenever I get a craving to eat junk food, I’ll think about Arnold in his Speedo. That should completely kill my appetite.
The Green Lantern
The Green Lantern, starring Ryan Reynolds opened in movie theaters on June 17th. I’m not a big fan of movies based on comic book superheroes. They seem to spend a lot of time moping around and brooding because their superhero alter ego is ruining their love life. Except for Superman. He had a job as a newspaper reporter and between his job, and saving the world, he didn’t have a lot of time to brood.
It seems like it wasn’t that long ago that the Green Hornet opened in theaters.
What’s with all the green superheroes? Besides the Green Hornet, and the Green Lantern, there’s the Green Mask, the Green Lama, the Green Arrow, and the Incredible Hulk. There’s also Spiderman’s nemesis, the Green Goblin. Batman even turned green once when he ate bad seafood! And I forgot to mention Brussel Sprouts Man, a former biologist who was trying to develop a secret formula to grow giant vegetables to help ease the world hunger problem. He accidentally spilled the formula on himself and turned into a giant brussel sprout. He doesn’t have any superhero powers, but he relies on the fact that most people are repelled by brussel sprout.
I like green as much as the next person, I painted my living room that color, but I think its time for some new superheroes with different colors:
The Blue Light Special – Nerdy high school student, Stuart Gibbons, was working at his part-time job at Kmart when he was called to clean up a toxic waste spill in aisle 7. Here’s a scene from the movie shot on the top of a skyscraper:
BLS: "Where do you think you’re going with that weapon of Mass Destruction?"
FUNGUS MAN: "I’m going to blow up the White House and take over the country."
BLS: "Not on my watch!"
FUNGUS MAN: "Who are you and what is that ridiculous light on top your head?"
BLS: I’m The Blue Light Special!
FUNGUS MAN: "Are you going to give me a sales price if I kick your ass?"
(Blue Light Special turns on his rotating light.)
FUNGUS MAN: "I can’t see. You’re blinding me. Stop! Turn it off!"
(Fungus Man stumbles around on the roof, trips, and falls to his death.)
BLS: "Once again, lighting the way toward truth, justice, and the American Way!"
Other colorful superheroes include:
The Purple Prose. He makes Prince look macho. The Purple Prose defeats bad guys by putting them into a stupor with his flowery, ornate, extravagant speech, "It was a dark and stormy night in the evil heart of the most villainous scoundrel in America, a country that values freedom and justice. A country where a child from even the most humble background can dream that one day they too can become President."
Red Rover. This superhero clones himself to form a human chain and then he calls out, "Red Rover, Red Rover send the villain on over?" When the villain runs straight at him, the human chain wraps around the villain and imprisons him.
My father is one of the most patient men in the world. His patience helped him master math problems and new computer software, which led to his career as a Math/Computer Science College Professor.
My father’s patience came in handy each night when he helped me with my math homework. I’ve always hated math. If it weren’t for my father I never would have graduated from high school. While I got A’s and B’s in all my other subjects, in math I was lucky to get a C.
Before I got my driver’s license, my father gave me and my friend’s a ride to rock concerts. We saw Three Dog Night, Blood Sweat And Tears, Steppenwolf, and more. My father drove us into the city, dropped us off at the arena, then came back at 1:00 a.m. (way past his bed time) to pick us up. How many fathers would do that?
My father’s patience also came in handy when he tried to teach me to drive a stick shift. It was a disaster! Over the years-other people also tried to teach me to drive a stick shift, "It’s easy once you get the hang of it!" They were also unsuccessful. The only cars I’ll drive must have automatic transmissions.
Once I got my driver’s license, my terrible driving again tested my father’s patience. The problem was that I refused to wear my glasses because they weren’t cool. I was the only child in the family that needed glasses, which I resented even though it was hardly my parent’s fault that I inherited genes for weak eyes. So needless to say I ran into things quit frequently. The family station wagon sustained a lot of dents and scratches.
For example, there was the time my friend, Sue, stole a can of bear from her father. We decided that we would drive to the cemetery, where no one would see us, park, and drink the beer. When we got to the cemetery, the opening through the wrought iron gate looked really narrow.
"Can the car fit through the gate?" I asked anxiously.
"Sure, there’s plenty of room," Sue said.
I started driving through the gate when I heard a horrible screeching noise. I got out and looked at my parent’s car. There was a four-foot long scratch along the side.
I don’t know why my parents continued to let me borrow their car. Thankfully, I survived, the car survived, and all the people on the road with me survived.
(I started wearing glasses in college and have been a safe driver ever since.)
Since I was bad at math, and good at creative things, (writing, art) I always thought I took after my mother’s side of the family. My maternal grandmother painted pictures, wrote poetry, and sewed the most beautiful quilts. My mother and her sister were also creative.
Now that I’m older I’ve discovered that I’m more like my father than I thought. He’s always making up jokes and coming up with new inventions and ideas. I’m always trying to find the humor in situations and thinking up new ideas.
While we have a lot of things in common, I never did inherit his patience. I flip out every time I try to read assembly directions.
Besides being patient, my dad is also loving, kind, supportive, funny, smart, and in my opinion the Best Dad In The Whole World! Happy Father’s Day.
The following is an excerpt from my book "It Ain't Heavy - It's The Lite Side"
You know it’s summer when all the "women’s magazines" come out with their annual swimsuit layout on what type of bathing suit to wear to disguise your figure flaws. They include pictures of the bathing suit you’re supposed to wear to disguise a small bust, big bust, no hips, big hips, fat stomach, etc. They never explain what you’re supposed to wear if you have all of the above figure flaws (avoid the beach). What I want to know is why men never have to disguise their figure flaws? The only swimsuit issue for men involves models in bikini’s frolicking in the beach.
Here’s a tip for men. NEVER wear a Speedo unless you’re an Olympic swimmer.
Here are some other fashion tips for men:
1. To disguise a big beer belly, wear a swimsuit with vertical stripes.
2. To disguise a flat rear end, wear navy trunks with bright yellow pockets on the back. This will make it look like you have some junk in the trunk.
3. If you have skinny bird legs, wear a swimming suit that comes down to your knees. That will hide part of your legs at least.
There’s definitely a double standard in our society. It’s apparently okay for men to have figure flaws, but God forbid a woman shows up at a pool or the beach without trying to disguise her small bust.
All over America, high school and colleges are holding graduation ceremonies. I have never been asked to be a commencement speaker, but that didn't stop me from writing the following graduation speech:
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2011 here is my advice to you:
Wear lip balm. No one wants to look at your dry, cracked lips.
Enjoy the power of youth and beauty. Treat your body like a Temple because once the Temple turns 50, the foundation will start falling apart.
Don’t compare yourself to others, especially if they live in New Jersey.
Practice good manners. Say please and thank-you and appreciate the good things people do for you. (Like paying for your college education!)
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Use antiperspirant.
Never email or text nude pictures of yourself unless you want the whole world to see your junk. They call them PRIVATE parts for a reason.
Don’t buy mini donuts thinking you’ll save them for later. They turn into cinnamon and sugar hockey pucks.
Things aren’t always black and white. There are a lot of gray areas. Luckily gray is a neutral color that goes with almost everything.
It’s always darkest before the dawn. Buy a nightlight.
Never lose your child like wonder in the world around you and if you do buy a replacement on eBay.
Live in New York City once, but move before you get mugged. Live in Wisconsin once, but move before you get addicted to cheese.
Marry for the right reasons. You can lose your money, and you can lose your looks. Love is the only reason to marry. On second thought, people can fall out of love. Just shack up together and invest the money you would have spent on a big wedding into an IRA.
Don’t give your children weird names. Yes, we all want our children to be unique individuals but do you really think your son will thank you for naming him Skywalker Buchanan?
Accept the fact that someday you’ll be old and age gracefully. Nothing looks worse than bad plastic surgery, a comb over, or an 80-year-old woman with jet-black hair.
Dance every chance you get, even if it embarrasses your teen-age children.
You are a child of the Universe, but don’t expect the Universe to send you a birthday card.
Sometimes life stinks, and sometimes life is beautiful. No matter what happens, life is worth living so hang in there!