At this point in time is there anything we don't yet know about William and Kate? All the networks have sent people to England to cover the days leading up to the Royal Wedding and they're broadcasting it on every channel.
I won't be attending (my invitation must have been lost in the mail) but for those people lucky enough to be invited, there are certain rules you must keep in mind when meeting the Queen:
1. Always address the Queen as "Your Majesty" and then "Ma'am." Never call her Lizzy.
2. Accepted topics of conversation include anything in the public realm. Do not ask her if she wears a thong or if she ever suffers from urinary incontinence.
3. Don't chew gum, don't kiss the Queen's hand, and especially don't kiss her hand while chewing gum!
4. Don't put your arm around the Queen and never give her a bear hug while saying "You're so cute, I'd like to squeeze the stuffing out of you."
5. When meeting the Queen, women should curtsy, and men should bow their head. Never grovel at her feet.
If you follow these rules you may survive your encounter without making any major faux pas.
April 24th 6:00 a.m., caller states that a man dressed in a rabbit costume was creeping around her back yard. She accused him of being a terroist and hiding pipe bombs in her bushes. Caller said she tasered the man and locked him up in her basement. An officer was dispatched.
April 24th 7:00 a.m., caller claims to be the Easter Bunny and said he's being held captive in a crazy woman's basement. He said he was hiding Easter Eggs when a woman started yelling at him and attacked him with a taser. Then she demanded all of his chocolate candy. Fearing for his life, he gave her the candy. Later she demaned more and when he said he didn't have any more she ordered him to lay more chocolate eggs or else she'd cut off his fluffy tail!
April 24th 8:00 a.m., Officer was flagged down by a pedestrian who said she witnessed a man dressed in a rabbit costume running down the street being chased by "freaked out" rampaging woman carrying a taser and screming about chocolate.
April 24th 9:00 a.m., caller reporting car accident. He said he drove off the road to avoid hitting a man in a rabbit costume being chased by a "crazy" woman with a taser. Caller said they were running in the middle of the road.
April 24th 11:00 a.m., female suspect arrested and charged with assault and battery of a holiday symbol. She was also charged with disorderly conduct. Male suspect escaped into a large rabbit hole.
As we all know there’s an obesity epidemic in the United States that is now affecting our pets. I just heard a news story about a 10 pound parakeet that crashed through the bottom of its cage, landed on a 40 pound cat and knocked it out. Exercise experts recommend walking dogs regularly to help us and our pets lose weight. Apparently they’ve never met my dog. As soon as we start out on our walk he has to stop and sniff the mailbox post and pee on it. Then he has to sniff the neighbor’s mailbox post and pee on it. From there it’s the telephone pole, the tree, the bush, etc. It takes us two hours to walk half a mile. Why does he have to pee on everything and where is he getting all this urine? Is he drinking a gallon of cranberry juice before every walk?
If the sniffing and peeing weren't bad enough, halfway through our walk he gets either hot or tired so he digs a hole in the dirt and lays in it. He refuses to budge. So there I am out in the country with nothing to do but stare at a dog lying in a hole. All I can say is, thank God people don’t act like this. Can you image what would happen:
"Bill what are you doing? We’re going to be late for the meeting?"
"A new guy just started working here this morning so I’m marking my territory!"
"Oh my God what are you doing? Don’t pee on the stapler! No not the copy machine!"
"Just go ahead without me. I still have the water cooler to take care of."
Or the following scenario:
"Harry what are you doing? I thought you were going to mow the lawn. Why are you lying in a hole?"
"It’s 98 degrees out and I'm hot and tired."
"Why didn’t you just come into the house to cool off? We have air conditioning."
I see people out jogging with their dogs all the time. I don’t know how they do it. Maybe their dogs have small bladders.
I think I’m one of the last people left in America who actually files their own income taxes. That’s because I’m too stubborn to pay someone for something that I should be able to do myself. Every year, I naively think, "I have a college degree. I should be able to file a simple tax return." Wrong! They make the forms so complicated; the average person can’t comprehend them. Just trying to figure out which form to file is confusing. For instance:
You may file for WI-Z if the following applies:
•You file federal form 1040EZ, 1040HARD, or 1040 FOR MENSA MEMBERS ONLY.
•You were a Wisconsin resident all year long or ate a lot of cheese.
•You are not claiming any credits other than stocks, bonds, wages, next door neighbors, stray dogs, or hobbies.
You may file Form 1A if:
• You were single all year or in a really bad relationship.
• Only have income from wages, tips, sales, taxable scholarships, bingo, or Tupperware parties.
• Are not subject to a Wisconsin penalty or a jail term for an illegal IRA, unqualified retirement plan, speeding ticket, or art forgery.
I would also like to know why the IRS makes things so unnecessarily complicated on tax forms for instance:
If line 14 is greater than line 7, go to line 16 and write the amount $50,000 in that space. This is what you OWE the IRS. If line 14 is less than line 7, go to line 33 and keep subtracting that number by .75 until you reach zero. That is the amount of your REFUND.
Another thing that really bugs me is all the extra forms you have to attach which I never have copies of. They should print a warning on all 1040 forms: "Don’t even attempt to start filling out this form unless you already have forms EIC, ICU, OWI, etc., or you may experience dangerously high blood pressure."
Every year the IRS comes up with new credits and deductions. Here are just a few of them:
The Dysfunctional Families Tax Credit. This new credit is available to certain individuals who make less than $10,000 a year and who cannot communicate with members of their own family.
The Unearned Income Credit. To take this credit you must have a qualifying gang member who lived with you for 12 months, and stole less than $10,000 worth of merchandise. Warning, if you attempt to take the Unearned Income Credit and you don’t qualify; the IRS will tear up your tax return.
This year I’m planning to file my taxes online. Hopefully, that will prevent my yearly tax time migraine headache.
Unless you've been living under a rock, you've probably seen the video of the 18 month old twin boys who babble to each other and make hand gestures like they're carrying on a real conversation. It's been on all the news shows. Experts say that twins can have their own secret language. I always wanted a twin sister and it would be great if we had our own secret language. I can think of some situations where it would come in handy:
"Abbabbagoodelasoickmoogogo." (Who is this woman I'm talking to? Do you know her name? She looks really familiar, but I'm drawing a blank).
"Cocoleaksumozeekbowjink." (Help! This guy has been talking about his door knob collection for an hour).
"Mickjoseekbadabooneedown." (Is this woman showing enough cleavage? Who wears a low cut shirt like this to a baby shower? The baby is probably confused and doesn't know where to nurse."
Of course our secret language could always backfire:
"I know you're talking about me. I'm a twin, too and I figured out your secret language."
"Zonqueek!" (Busted.)
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