My granddaughter recently begged me to take her to the movie, "Never Say Never." When she said it was about JB I thought, "It must be a James Bond movie." WRONG! It's about Justin Bieber the former mop top pop singer super star. What I don't get is why is the movie in 3D? Is it really necessary to see Bieber's hair coming out of the screen? Why is every movie made now in 3D? I hate wearing those plastic glasses especially since I wear glasses which means I have to wear the 3D glasses on top of my regular glasses. I think Hollywood is going overboard with the 3D movies. I just heard they're remaking "Driving Miss Daisy," and "My Dinner With Andre" in 3D.
Back to "Never Say Never" it wasn't as bad as I feared it would be. What I find fascinating is that a 16 year-old boy has all these people working for him - managers, agents, stylists, security, voice coach, dancers, musicians, roadies, etc. If my livelyhood depended on a 16 year-old boy I'd wrap him in bubble wrap and make him ride in a sedan chair (that's what slaves used to carry kings around. I also can't belive his fans. Some of them have been injured in crowd crushes. They have also been know to make death threats against anyone dating Bieber. I can just image the following scenario at the Police Station:
"You've got to help me!! I need police protection!"
"Calm down, Miss. What's wrong? Did you witness a murder or crime?"
"No the paparazzi took a picture of me kissing Justin Bieber!"
"Oh my God! O'Rielly get all our men to drop everything and provide 24 hour police protection for this woman."
"But Sergeant, they're guarding the Mafia witness that can finally bring down the Gambino crime family."
"I don't care! This is more important. The death threats are already coming in on Twitter."
We’ve all seen the ads on TV, "Hi. I’m a busy mother of five, a banking executive, and an amateur spelunker. I don’t have time for urinary incontinence. That’s why I take Flowbrake. If you want to enjoy life again, ask your doctor about Flowbrake."
After watching the commercial I thought to myself, "Maybe I should ask my doctor about Flowbrake. Especially after that embarrassing incident at the mega mart." First let me explain that I’m taking diuretics for a heart condition. Since taking the prescription drug I have had many close calls. I’ll be minding my own business when suddenly I get the uncomfortable sensation, "I have to pee and I have to do it right now!" This occurred while I was shopping at a giant superstore. Of course the restrooms were on the other side of the store. I was rushing toward them when I started sneezing. All I’m going to say is, thank God I was wearing black nylon wind pants because they dry quickly.
After that incident I thought maybe Flowbrake would be helpful. Then I found out about the side effects:
"Flowbrake should not be taken by people who live in Kentucky, Kansas, or Kalamazoo. Flowbrake may cause blurred vision, headaches, vomiting, delusions of grandeur, dry cough, high blood pressure, mood swings, loss of eyebrow hair, diarreah, sleep walking, an uncontrollable urge to collect owl figurines, and a green fuzzy tongue. In rare cases Flowbrake can cause the muscles in the neck to become weak and puny. If your head falls off, STOP taking Flowbrake immediately and call 911."
Yikes! I think I’ll just deal with my problem by stocking up on black nylon windpants.
March 17th is St. Patrick's Day, the day that we drink too much green beer and get grossed out the next day when we throw up. Now that I'm older, I don't drink a lot of beer, but I plan to wear my "Kiss Me I'm Irish" button. I'm not really Irish, I just like to make out. I've studied the history of St. Patrick's Day and discovered that several myths surround the holiday.
1. St. Patrick was Irish. He was acutally a Briton who got left behind in Ireland when he got locked in the restroom and his tour group took off with out him. Acutally he was kidnapped and taken into slavery in Ireland.
2. St. Patrick used the Shamrock to teach the Holy Trinity.:There's no proof of this just like there's no proof that he used the Artic Sandwort to teach the mystery of the Universe.
3. The Irish eat Corned Beef and Cabbage on St. Patrick's Day. They actually eat bacon with cabbage and who can blame them. Bacon goest with everything!
4. St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Actually there have never been any snakes in Ireland. I wish he were alive and could come to Wisconsin to drive Gov. Walker, the Republicans, and Tea Party members out of the State Capitol!
5. There is also a myth that Leprechauns are cute little elves like you see on the Lucky Charms box. They are actually
nasty, brutish, and short (kind of like Kathy Griffith.
To sum up my Irish blog I would like to leave you with the following toast:
May the road not detour miles out of your way
May the wind not blow off your toupe
May the sunshine on your face not cause skin cancer
The rains fall softly on your umbrella
Until we meet again.
After watching several reality TV shows, I’ve realized that I’m too normal to appear on reality TV that's a bummer because I'd like to be rich like the Kardashians or Snookie. My life just isn't exciting enough as the following episode of "Real Divorced Housewife of Wisconsin" demonstrates:
Director: "Let’s start filming. What are you doing?"
Me: "I’m making oatmeal for breakfast."
Director: "That’s not interesting. Can you get in a fight with someone instead?"
Me: "Who am I going to get in a fight with? I’m alone here?"
Director: "What about that bird in the cage? Does he swear?"
Me: "No, but he can say, ‘Pretty Bird.’ "
Director: "Good, when he says ‘Pretty Bird’, tell him he’s an ugly bird and try to make him cry."
Me: "That’s ridiculous!"
Director: "Okay. What are you doing after breakfast?"
Me: "I going to Pulmonary Rehab."
Director: "Rehab? Is that like a drug intervention with Dr. Drew?"
Me: "No. I work out on exercise equipment to try and improve my breathing problems."
Director: "Is there someone at rehab that you hate and can get in a fight with?"
Me: "No most of the people are senior citizens."
Director: "Try stealing someone's walker and see if they punch you in the face."
Me: "No! I’m not doing that."
Director: "What are you doing after rehab?"
Me: "Updating my blog."
Director: "What does that entail?"
Me: "Typing on the computer."
Director: "That’s it! This isn’t working! You’re one of the most boring people I’ve ever met. We’re out of here. Pack up the camera. I hear Muammar el-Qaddafi is moving to California and wants to star in his own reality show."
I recently spent several days in Miami, Florida where I had to time to (lie? lay? What is the correct grammar?) hang out on the beach. I love looking at the ocean, but I don't like swimming in the ocean because I've seen one too many Jaws movies. I don't want to swim where there is anything that can eat or sting me. Anyway I enjoyed hanging out on the beach and watching the waves and people. I have come to the conclusion that there must be some ordinance on South Beach requiring every woman to wear a string bikini. After reading years of articles in Women's Magazines about "Finding The Perfect Bathing Suit For Your Body" I wanted to run up to assorted women and say, "I'm sorry but you're too busty for that top. You need a bathing suit with more support." Or "That suit isn't doing anything for your booty. You need boy cut shorts."
But of course I didn't. One thing that really shocked me was the fact that women can go topless on the beach! I saw two topless women and aside from the men gawking at them, no seemed to care. I was about to strip down, when I noticed kids playing near by and I didn't want innocent children to be traumatized for life.
After haning out on the beach, I got hungry and bought a tiny container of yogurt and a can of pop for $6.00! Things are expensive in Miami. Besides the beach, I also went on a bus/boat tour. I was enjoying the bus tour until the driver announced that we were spending 20 minutes in Litte Havana. On the way to Little Havana I saw mostly run down houses with bars on the windows. Now I was being kicked off the bus there. Great I was going to be mugged by a Cuban gang. What I discovered is that once you've seen woman rolling cigars, and old guys playing dominoes you've pretty much seen it all.
The boat tour consisted of a cheesy pirate boat replica. We set sail for Star Island. That is where all the rich and famous people live. I was looking at mansions when the tour guide announced, "Ladies please do not jump over board. Please stay on the boat. We are now passing the mansion of Ricky Martin!" Dude Ricky Martin is gay! Why would women jump overboard? That's like saying, "Ladies don't jump overboard. We're passing the mansion of Richard Simmons. I know you can't wait to see him in his short shorts!"
All in all, I had a great time in Miami. The weather was beautiful. I can't wait to go back. Star Island here I come!