Every year the U.S. Bureau of Job Statistics releases a list of the Top Ten Most Dangerous Jobs in America. The number one most dangerous job is always either working on a fishing boat or being a personal assistant for Naomi Campbell followed by working as a Greeter at Wal-Mart on Black Friday. There’s one thing I don’t understand, why the list ever never includes working for the CIA? How many movies have we seen about an ex CIA “rogue” agent fighting for their life because CIA assassins are trying to “take them out?” I don’t know what constitutes a “rogue” agent and I never want to find out:
“Are you surprised to see me, Claxton?”
“Jeez you scared me! What are you doing here and why do you have a gun?”
“When you went AWOL the CIA designated you as a rogue agent. I’m here to dispatch you.”
“What are you talking about? In the first place I didn’t go AWOL. I was visiting my parents in Boca Raton. Here’s a picture of us playing shuffleboard. Secondly, I’m not even an agent. I work in accounting!”
“I have my orders.”
“There must be some mistake! You know me, Jenkins. We’re on the same bowling team. Do you really think I’m a rogue agent?”
“I feel really bad about this, Claxton. You’re one of our best bowlers. I wish I could kill Pierson instead. He always throws gutter balls.”
“You’re making a mistake. Think of how this will look on your record. Sorry we’d like to give you a raise but you shot and killed the wrong person. CIA Human Resources frowns on that sort of thing.”
“It’s not personal it’s business.”
“I didn’t want to do this but you’re leaving me no choice. I’ve seen every Jason Bourne movie and if you don’t put down your gun and walk away I’m going to open a major can of whoop ass on you and the CIA.”
“I’m not afraid of---pow, oof, ah, crash, bang!”
Now that I’ve taken care of him, I’m going to have to live life on the run, always looking over my shoulder. I wonder how many shoes I should pack?
The Mayan Calendar Bucket List Contest
I’m disappointed that only three people entered my contest, but thank you to Eve, William, and Diane for participating and congratulations to Diane, the winner of $20 and a free book which I will be sending to you as soon as I get your address.
Just a little over a year ago I was a technological baby taking her first wobbly steps into the world of the internet. I didn’t grow up with computers or Social Media. Back in my day if you wanted to send someone a message, you wrote it on a piece of slate and left it at the Community Quilting Bee – “Just baked a batch of Apple Brown Betty. Yum!”
I didn’t know anything about Twitter or Facebook until I found out that as a self published author I needed a platform to help promote my writing. When I first started tweeting I only had two followers and one dropped out. That was depressing and I wanted to give up but I kept tweeting and I eventually gained more followers.
A platform also includes a website and blog. Without any experience I attempted to design a website. My first attempts were horrible. I had empty boxes on my website that said upload your photo here. Today my website/blog probably won’t win any design awards, but it’s still an improvement on what it used to look like. I’ve learned a lot, but I still have a lot more to learn.
So here I am a year later saying thank-you to the people who encouraged me, helped me, followed me, visited my blog, or left comments. I really appreciate it, because I need all the help I can get.
To show my appreciation I’m giving away $20 and an autographed copy of my book, “It Ain’t Heavy – It’s The Lite Side” to the winner of the “Mayan Calendar Bucket List Contest.”
By now we’ve all heard that the world is supposed to end on December 21, 2012. I personally don’t believe it because other calendars have run out and the world didn’t end. Last year my “365 Days of Puppies” calendar ran out and the only bad thing that happened was a Pugadoodle spontaneously combusted. However, in the event that the Mayans were right, I’m compiling my Mayan Calendar Bucket List and I need your help. Where should I go? What should I do? Bear in mind that I don’t have much money or a passport. What affordable things can I do or see in the U.S. before December 21st? The person with the best suggestion will win the prize. You can be funny, creative, touching, informative, but please keep it clean (my family and friends read this blog). Put your ideas in the comment section. Deadline is February 26th.
Valentine’s Day is February 14th. Starting in January we’re bombarded with ads for romantic get-a-ways, candy, jewelry, flowers, recipes, etc. It’s all pretty depressing if you’re single.
I don’t want to spend another Valentine’s Day like I usually do – crying into my TV dinner (Salisbury steak, corn, and mashed potatoes). I don’t have a husband, boyfriend, significant other, or insignificant other. The only male in my life is my dog and I’m pretty sure he wants to break up with me. Because of financial issues I had to downgrade his dog food from Kibble and Bits to just Bits.
I think we should follow Uzbekistan’s example and ban Valentine’s Day. They canceled all planned Valentine events citing, “Forces with evil goals bent on putting an end to national values.” (Greeting card manufacturers). Government leaders are forcing Uzbekistan residents to listen to a national reading of medieval poetry. That seems like cruel and unusual punishment.
This year I’m not going to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I’m going to follow the suggestions in the Singles Guide to Surviving Valentine’s Day.
Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert and remember you don’t have to reload a blade! Sorry, my bad. That’s from the Zombie Survival Guide.
Surprise someone. I tried that a couple of years ago and it didn’t go as planned. I called the local nursing home and got the name of an elderly man who didn’t have any family or friends. I wanted to surprise him so I bought balloons, and candy and hid in his room. When they wheeled him in I jumped out and shouted, “HAPPY VALLENTINE’S DAY!!!” All I can say is I’m glad the nursing home had their own defibrillator.
Do something for someone else. I’m baking some anchovy Valentine’s treats to give out to homeless feral cats.
Indulge yourself. I’m going to buy a chocolate fountain, and a big straw.
Get together with your single friends. I only have a couple of single friends. Most of my friends are married. Notice I didn’t say happily married. In Wisconsin people stay married even if they don’t get along because they’re too stubborn to get divorced. Maybe I should hang out with my unhappily married friends so that by the end of the evening I’ll be like, “Wow, thank God I’m single!”
Express gratitude. Thank you blog followers. I appreciate your all support and comments!
Hopefully if I follow these suggestions I’ll have a non-depressing Valentine’s Day.
How are you spending Valentine’s Day?
Until recently I had never seen or read a Twilight saga movie or book. I know it’s hard for you to believe but I was quit happy in my vampire ignorance. Then I read a blog post by William Kendall http://williamkendallbooks.blogspot.com/2011/11/twilight-saga-will-someone-please-stake.html where he referred to Edward Cullen as “Mr. Sparkly.” I didn’t know what he talking about? Does Edward Cullen wear sequined T-shirts that say, “I Heart Blood?” Is Edward Cullen the Liberace of vampires?
Then my granddaughter had a sleep over and one of her friends brought over her “Twilight” DVD. Since the girls were watching the movie I figured I’d watch too so I could find out what the big deal is. Well I’ve seen the movies and I can finally lay to rest a question that has been haunting me since 2008, “Am I on Team Jacob or Team Edward?” Having seen Taylor Lautner with his shirt off, I’m definitely on Team Jacob!
I answered that question, but the film left me with a lot of other questions –
Apparently Edward and his “foster” brothers and sisters aren’t your grandmother’s vampires. They don’t have fangs, they don’t sleep in coffins, they don’t turn into bats, they can see their reflections, and instead of disintegrating, they sparkle when they’re in the sunlight. These vampires have been bedazzled.
When his patients died, Dr. Carlisle Cullen bit them on the neck so that they could be immortal. I’m pretty sure that’s against the Hippocratic Oath. Also how is he helping them by making them immortal so they can spend eternity posing as high school students? Four years of high school was bad enough. There’s no way I’d want to spend eternity in Chemistry class or discussing the symbolism in Moby Dick!
Another thing that bothers me is, the Cullen’s don’t go to school when it’s sunny out. I don’t know about you, but my high school principal was like a prison warden I can’t image Dr. Carlisle Cullen telling her, “Principal Jones, my foster children won’t be coming to school when it’s sunny out. Also they won’t be eating school lunches. They’ll be bringing their own lunch everyday – a deer carcass and five straws!”
Also Bella’s father is the sheriff yet he seems completely clueless. Dead bodies with the blood sucked out of them are turning up, vampires are running through the woods killing animals, and there’s wolves the size of mini vans yet he doesn’t know anything about it. His 17-year old daughter shows up, googles vampires, and figures everything out in a couple of days! If you want to commit a crime, go to Forks, Washington.
Then there’s the scene where Edward takes Bella to watch the Cullen’s baseball game. That’s a good idea, take a human out into a field during a lightening storm. That’s when James, Victoria, and some other guy show up. James smells Bella and says, “You brought a snack.” When he can’t have Bella he becomes angry and chases her all over the country. That’s completely believable! Once when I was at a Twins game a friend of mine wouldn’t share his nachos so I followed him to Arizona and tried to destroy all his snack cakes!
Finally there’s Bella who spends Twilight and probably every other movie moping around because she doesn’t fit in and she wants to be a vampire. Most high school students have goals like going to college, vocational school, or getting a job. Not Bella her only goal is to become a vampire. Well unlike Kim Kardashian, at least Bella can commit to a man – for eternity.
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