I've re-written the popular Pink song, "Raise Your Glass," for the older generation:
Shuffle, shuffle, turn up the lights
We've already lost our minds alright
What time is Bingo, yo?
Early Bird crasher
Call me up if you're a hipster.
Don't be crabby
Did you miss your nappy?
Why so serious?
So raise your Ensure if you're old
in all the right ways
We will never be anything but young at heart
And crazy old farts
So if you're too cool to drool
and people call you an old fool
Who cares we'll always rule
and we can party on our own.
So raise your Ensure!
Won't you come on, come on and raise your Ensure!
Because of all the recent snow, giant snow mountains have started to appear. Recenly on a nice sunny day, my granddaughter, Emily, and I decided to climb Mount Kilimanjaylo the tallest free standing snow mountain in Puggsville. Kilimanjaylo comes from the Swahili word meaning mountain and the gansta word meaning big booty. We set out early in the morning with our Sherpei, a wrinkled Chinese dog that carries cargo up a mountain. It's name is Hillary. No she's not named after the famous moutain climber, she's named after HIllary Duff the pop singer. We finally reached the peak around 2:00 p.m. and planted the American flag on the summit. We were enjoying the view when suddenly the wind picked up and we were trapped in a white out. Due to the poor visibility I stumbled and fell.
"Emily my arm is stuck. Hand me my Swiss Army Knife with the amputation blade so I can hack off my own arm and save myself," I said.
"It's just snow pull your arm out!"
"Okay that worked, but I'm too tired to climb all the way down the mountain. I'm old, but you're young, Save yourself. Go!"
"I'm not leaving you up here to freeze to death. I have an idea I'll just roll you down the mountain like a giant snowball."
"Wait! I don't think that's a good....Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Well the good news is that we made it down the mountain and I only have a few bruises.
I just found out that some guy in Minneapolis wants to change all the Horoscope signs because the earth's orbit is no longer aligned in the same postion under the stars that is was when the table was conceived! I've been a Taurus the Bull all my life and this change is Bull(beep)! The new sign is Ophiuchus. What is that? It sounds like someone with a lisp. Just listen to the description of a Taurus woman. It sounds like it was written specifically for ME. Dependable, compassionate, reliabe, loyal, physcially strong, artistic, and introverted. According to the new horoscope changes I would become an Aries. An Aries woman is adventureous (no I have no desire to bungee jump or tour the Rain Forest), energetic (no I have the energy of a sloth), courageous (So far no, but I hope that I could rise to the occassion if need be), confident (sometimes). I'm obviously more Taurus the Bull. Plus I'm bull headed and clumsy in china shops. I'm not changing to Aries and all the astrologers in the world can't make me!
On New Year's Eve at midnight while most people were toasting 2011, my ex-husband, Don, found out that his boat was sinking. He keeps it on the Mississippi River tied up in Red Wing because the water doesn't freeze. This was very bad news because he lives on his boat during the spring, summer, and fall. I told him not to name the boat the Edmund Fitzgerald II. I'm just kidding the boat's real name is Magic Shop, which I don't understand since I've never seen it levitate or pull a rabbitt out of its hatch. But getting back to the emergency. Don threw on his warm clothes, grabbed his rubber boots and rushed out the door in the dark and cold of night. I felt helpless because I didn't know what to do. I offered to come along and sing "My Heart Will Go On" but he said that would make a bad situation ten times worse! I didn't hear from him for a day then he called and said the port side was under water. All the snow and ice we've had this winter caused that side of the boat to sink. That is the side with the bathroom (sorry the correct nautical term is the head). Also one of the berths (sleeping quarters) was flooded. That is where he stored a lot of stuff. I didn't hear any news again until he called to say that he was using two pumps, but he wasn't making much headway (bathroom way) until a friend Ted Johnson brought a third pump. With the third pump he was able to stablize the boat! Then he had to try to dry out the inside with heaters. Now that the boat is saved I think I should finally sing "My Heart Will Go On." Hey where is everyone running off to?